Feeling inadequate

So lately I've been feeling inadequate, I look at Amy and see all these things that she's done and I just feel like I'm looked at with pity and judgement. On her bedroom wall, she has all these diploma's; college, teacher's college and I think high school, and I don't have even my hs diploma yet. Every time I walk pass her room I see them and I feel down. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to her but its hard, there is only 5 years that separate us and yet she's done more then me.

I know that there wasn't anything that I could do while I was taking care of mom but still, it hurts to see. I've been thinking today, mom wanted me to not only get my hs diploma but we also were talking about me getting a creative writing diploma before she died. I'm thinking that maybe now I can get it as well while still working on my hs diploma, cuz and aunt says that I shouldn't do anything with creative writing seeing as how that won't give me a job and believe me I know that it won't but I still want to get it to make mom proud of me.

I figure that, I get $580 from OW;for some reason its not the $606 that I was originally told, once I pay them the $350 for rent I'll have, $230 left over. From the info that I got before mom died and I would have to pay $39 every month which means that I would have $191 left. If I take $50 from that and put it in my college fund I'll have $141 left. I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to live off of that for a month; its way more then I used to have, that's for damn sure. I mean if I have to, I'll just stop buying things from garage sales and the only pieces of clothing that I still need are 3 tops to go with my p.j. bottoms and a bathing suit that actually holds me. If I need to, I'll take a bit of the money that I have saved already.

I don't need to tell the aunt about the CW courses but then again, I may just tell her and try to make her understand that its something that I want to do to fulfill another wish of mom's. If I do plan on going to college; which I'm seriously considering, I could always get a student loan and pay it back once I get a job. I'm thinking that I might go to that community college to become a law clerk; pretty sure that would pull in a pretty penny, and from what I understand its only like $4,000 a year and its a 2 year thing. I have the money that I have saved up now to pay for the books.

I talked to Christine about this and she thinks that its a great idea and that I should do something for me and not worry bout what the aunt says and I just might take her advice, I mean hell I did listen to her about getting the 100 Monkeys things that I wanted so why not take her advice about this?

I think that I should get back to my old ways and say fuck everybody and do things for myself again. Its almost like every since mom died, I've become a shell of myself and want to impress the people around me, what in the fuck happened to me? I'm almost positive that i'm going to go for my CW diploma while I'm still doing my hs diploma; think i can do that, will need to call and check with them.

You know what's a scary thought?

So here it is, the scary thing is that I could possibly go to college if I wanted to once I finished getting my high school diploma and that option wasn't open to me before. That's not to say that I was stupid before or that I'm glad that mom's dead; because that couldn't be further from the truth, but with the way that mom and I was handling money, there was no way that I would have been able to go. Now that I have a small saving set up for myself there is the chance that I could go if I wanted to. It wouldn't have to be some fancy college, I could go to a city one.

I was looking online just now and saw that there is a community college here in Scarborough that I could go to, from what I understand, its not far to get to on the bus. I could either take journalism or legal clerk; both things I only need my hs diploma. I'll now be getting help from Ontario Works, so all I'll have to do is learn to live off the money that they give me, stop buying things at Value Village and at garage sales and maybe try to put a little away from what I will be getting from OW with the money that I have saved in the safe. I'm not getting a lot from OW, just $600 but I think I would be able to handle it all and from what I understand from the woman that I talked to at OW when I went to see if I qualify, she said there was a possibility that they could pay for my courses for HS.

There would be more money that I'm saving as well, all I would need to do is cut down on my chocolate habit as well and I'm sure that I could get a student loan if I needed it as well. I don't know how I feel about that slim possibility of going to college, I have doubts that I would never get in or have enough money to pay for school but then there is this voice in my head that says that I could do it.

I know mom and gran would be very proud of me if I go to college or I don't, I just wish they were here with me so that we can talk about it. I haven't fully talked to the aunt and cousin about it, its been mention in passing but its never really been discussed and sometimes when we talk, the cuz makes it out that I would never be able to do that, that I'll have to find something so that I can get a job but of course that could be what she's not saying and I'm just letting my doubts get in the way.

I think I'll talk it over with one of my friends but they'll probably just tell me to do what I think is best, but that's the problem, I don't know what's best. I'm so confused. I know the aunt has said that I'm not alone in my decisions anymore and that's a small comfort to me, but its never going to be the same as talking to mom about these things.

I guess the best thing for me to do is just play it be year and see what happens. Let the dice fall where they may, cross those bridges when I come to them.

I keep on loving you

So this is my new story, its a drabble and it came about with me watching non stop Big Bang Theory at nights; trying to play catch up, and also hearing Reba's song of the same name. I hope this helps me with my writer's block as well as my other drabble like story. So love the banner, Deebelle did an amazing job as always.

I keep on loving you

Jasper's Sweetheart

So this is my newest story, I'm going back to my roots and doing another Jasper/Bella story. This isn't saying that I grew board with writing Garrett/Bella because that couldn't be further from the truth, I just love J/B so much. Love how the lyrics on the banner; which I didn't ask for, this was a premade banner, is ' She's everything' by Brad Paisley. I'm so going to add that song in to my story, not sure yet if Its going to be a full on fic or if its just going to be highlights of Jasper and Bella lives like their first date, marriage proposal, wedding and then death or just write out. *shrugs* I'll figure something out :)

Jasper's Sweetheart

I've made a decision

So today I made a decision, I'm going to exercise more and going to "try" and eat healthier. I'm going to try and cut down my my chocolate intake as well. I'm going to walk more, do squats, lunges and try the 'Dancing With the Stars' workout disk for the Wii. I just got to stick with it and not give up.

Today I worked in the garden with the cousin and then her and I went for a fast pace walk. The back of my legs were killing me and I've got to learn to keep my shoulders back, head up and tummy tucked in while walking; which is freaking hard. Today though I got sunburned on my shoulders and neck, think a bit at the back of my neck as well. I'm in pain and my arms hurt, I put some cream on it and its taken some of the burn out but its still hurting. My forehead hurts also so that tells me that I got burnt there also. BLAH.

Life... or something like it.

So its been 2 months since mom died and yesterday was her 50th birthday. It seems that the aunt and uncle have decided that its time to stop being somewhat nice towards me and its time to start showing their true colors. Its now like I'm living in a prison and its bloody well starting to tick me off. Not only are they telling me what I can and can't buy but I'm not allowed to have TV in my room till I get a job; which means that not only am I missing my baseball, I also have to watch what they watch and I have to wait till a day after my shows air to watch it. I'm also not allowed to have a cell phone till I get a job.

I'm also pissed off how the aunt calls Tiger names and keeps on threatening that she is going to throw her out when I'm not watching. Tiger has only had me and mom to be with, now she has 3 strangers she has to get used to as well as another cat so of course she's going to growl and hiss but the aunt gets pissed off and calls her attitude and tells her that she and I is lucky to have a roof over our heads because we could have been out on the streets.

Yesterday the cousin woke me up and asked if I wanted to come out with her and the aunt so I won't have to sit home alone and think. It was all going ok till I went to HMV while the cousin looked in another store, I found a book that I wanted; it was Wolverine with the X-Men graphic novel, it was only $20 and I was about to go and buy it when they came into HMV and started in on me saying that I can buy it seeing as how I have no money and no job; something that they love reminding me about, I told them that I had some money and that the book wasn't expensive but they didn't care they kept on about me not being allowed to buy it, I got so pissed off that I threw the book and stormed off. They keep saying that once I get a job I can buy what ever I want but what they don't realize is that I probably won't find a job seeing as how I have no experience.

I just wish I can get my book picked up by a publishing house and then I won't have to worry about my lack of experience.

Then when we got home, the uncle almost started yelling at me for something that the cousin did and believe me, if she wasn't here, I would have gone off and they would have learned who the true me was. The cousin didn't recycle properly and instead of asking who it was, he automatically thought it was me and almost jumped down my throat and I was left sitting there wanting to cry, the son of a bitch didn't even say sorry to me for thinking that it was me, he just went on like nothing happen.

I swear he is too much like my grandfather and something is going to happen and I know that I'm going to snap and it won't be pretty. I guess I just need to learn to harden my heart and build that wall around myself again while trying to keep my emotions in check.

A Thousand Years won

So 'The Rebel Soldier' didn't place in the Non-Canon Awards but 'A Thousand Years' took 3rd place in the judges section. Of course Ellie won; personally I think she's stacked the votes in her favor but I'm not saying that out loud mind ya *winks*