So lately I've been feeling inadequate, I look at Amy and see all these things that she's done and I just feel like I'm looked at with pity and judgement. On her bedroom wall, she has all these diploma's; college, teacher's college and I think high school, and I don't have even my hs diploma yet. Every time I walk pass her room I see them and I feel down. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to her but its hard, there is only 5 years that separate us and yet she's done more then me.
I know that there wasn't anything that I could do while I was taking care of mom but still, it hurts to see. I've been thinking today, mom wanted me to not only get my hs diploma but we also were talking about me getting a creative writing diploma before she died. I'm thinking that maybe now I can get it as well while still working on my hs diploma, cuz and aunt says that I shouldn't do anything with creative writing seeing as how that won't give me a job and believe me I know that it won't but I still want to get it to make mom proud of me.
I figure that, I get $580 from OW;for some reason its not the $606 that I was originally told, once I pay them the $350 for rent I'll have, $230 left over. From the info that I got before mom died and I would have to pay $39 every month which means that I would have $191 left. If I take $50 from that and put it in my college fund I'll have $141 left. I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to live off of that for a month; its way more then I used to have, that's for damn sure. I mean if I have to, I'll just stop buying things from garage sales and the only pieces of clothing that I still need are 3 tops to go with my p.j. bottoms and a bathing suit that actually holds me. If I need to, I'll take a bit of the money that I have saved already.
I don't need to tell the aunt about the CW courses but then again, I may just tell her and try to make her understand that its something that I want to do to fulfill another wish of mom's. If I do plan on going to college; which I'm seriously considering, I could always get a student loan and pay it back once I get a job. I'm thinking that I might go to that community college to become a law clerk; pretty sure that would pull in a pretty penny, and from what I understand its only like $4,000 a year and its a 2 year thing. I have the money that I have saved up now to pay for the books.
I talked to Christine about this and she thinks that its a great idea and that I should do something for me and not worry bout what the aunt says and I just might take her advice, I mean hell I did listen to her about getting the 100 Monkeys things that I wanted so why not take her advice about this?
I think that I should get back to my old ways and say fuck everybody and do things for myself again. Its almost like every since mom died, I've become a shell of myself and want to impress the people around me, what in the fuck happened to me? I'm almost positive that i'm going to go for my CW diploma while I'm still doing my hs diploma; think i can do that, will need to call and check with them.
